When I was growing up, I dreamed of one day becoming a journalist and working for my country’s national news organization…the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. I thought it was important to ensure people had the facts in order to make up their own minds about issues, people and events.
I went to Journalism school and worked hard at a couple of different newsrooms before landing the job of my dreams at CBC News in Toronto…complete with full benefits and a pension.
Fast forward a number of years and I was in my boss’ office one morning discussing my future. A never-ending cycle of 24-hour news was now the new normal and I told him I was tired of watching death and destruction play the lead role in our lives every hour of every day. I wanted to do something positive and really make a difference.
All of a sudden, something caught our attention on the tv in his office. It was a building on fire. But not just any building…one of the most iconic buildings in the world.
We both stood up. “We’ve got to go,” he said, as I responded with a nod and headed out into the giant room that housed dozens of desks with people on phones and computers…all looking at the same picture on the screen.
When breaking news like this happens in a newsroom, it’s like when a hospital prepares for mass casualties. Everyone gets assigned to one role.
I had one job
On September 11, 2001, my job was to hole up in an edit suite and shot-list everything we were seeing on the feeds that were coming in. That’s so when we later put together a full story, I could pull together key story components with the accompanying video.
That meant I was meticulously noting the exact time where there was a close-up of a person hanging out of a window, with thick black smoke billowing around them. Or a wide shot of a group of people several stories above the flames waving their arms urgently for help. I was noting the millisecond when ‘things’ were ‘falling’ from windows.
When the first tower fell, it suddenly became real that all those faces I had seen were gone. No one had saved them. They hadn’t made it out. There hadn’t been time. I had shared their last moments on the screen in front of me and now the building they were in didn’t exist. My list became a blur of smoke and dust…as I looked for more people…still in the second tower.
The second tower
When a producer came in to ask me the exact time the second tower fell, I turned and look at him, stunned and confused, “The second tower fell?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said, “What have you been doing in here? How do you not know that it fell?”
“Oh,” I said looking back at my notes, “Yes, here it is. 10:28:23 – second tower fell.”
I had written it down but didn’t know it had happened. It would be years later that I realized that I had experienced the mind-numbing effects of shock which meant I stopped processing what was actually happening in order to be able to continue to do my job.
This is not to diminish the effects on those who witness death and destruction in-person in their jobs such as any first responders. It is to recognize that traumatic events can be experienced in many ways and while often we choose to bury these memories, it can be helpful to acknowledge them in order to finally let them go.
For years I couldn’t even talk about 911 without having nausea-inducing flashbacks of those disturbing images. And anytime someone would bring it up, I would leave the conversation.
But it actually helped solidify a decision to walk away from the only job I had ever wanted.
Trusting my intuition
I have never regretted that move. I have trusted my instincts and intuition to guide me in the right direction ever since. I learned that our experiences shape us in ways that can help us grow…if we allow it rather than put up resistance or try to hide from it.
If we walk away to find a more aligned path, we can break away from the ‘I should’ and embrace the ‘I could’.
Life is not perfect, nor do I expect it to be. All I expect is that I am here now, willing to embrace whatever each moment brings.
If you are experiencing tough times and wondering why this is happening, you may want to ask yourself:
1. What can I learn from this experience?
2. What would be different if I intentionally chose this path?
3. Is it possible this is happening for me rather than to me?
4. What is something I ‘could’ do differently this time if this has happened before?
5. What’s the best possible outcome?
Take care of yourself. I wish you all peace in whatever choices you make.
